There once was a turtle called 'Oat',
Who when tired of taking a float,
Would soar through the air,
With ever such flare,
And end up 'kerplunk!' In a Boat!
"Happens all the time!" grinned the man with his knitted yet rubbery Turtle-proof gloves. "Last week I found one in another boat, and it took me HALF an HOUR to catch it! It kept hiding from me".
How on EARTH does a Turtle get inside a rowing boat?
Monday: Columbus day - and one of the sunniest and loveliest days of my whole trip. Michael and I (one of my first 'new friends' - yes, thats right kids, I am a loner here and get over excited by the notion that I have 'a friend' - I am 6 years old) brunched on some luscious syrup drenched french toast and then scampered off to Central Park.
Unbeknownst to us, there was the Italian Day Parade circling the perameter of the entire park... So we had to try and negotiate our way through torrents of ridiculous looking high school band geeks dressed in sequins who sported plumes of feathers from their shiny shiny helmets more extensive than those coming out of a Tranny's dressing up box. GHASTLY.
What was more ghastly was the RABIES ADVISORY poster which we saw on entering the park (finally) which read:
Leave Wildlife Alone.
This poster sweetly depicted a hand drawn illustration of a Raccoon which looked poised yet potentially ready to pounce and bite at any time.
So we got in our boat and set off... The sun was shining blissfully, the sky was blue with barely a cloud and the water of the lake was so toxic looking it could have been mistaken for the vomit depicted in the exorcist (you know what im talking about).
It was glorious, The huge trees and incompetent rowers reminded me of Cambridge in the summer, minus the token japanese business man up to his collar in river or the howling laughter of passers by, but there is definitely something comforting and familiar about the greenery in Central Park, maybe it's because I spent most of my childhood climbing trees and making mudpies in fields, but whenever I see foliage in an urban environment I suddenly feel at home.
We pootled about on the water for around an hour, regailing tales of, well, generally everything about each other (as new friends do), and eventually reached dry land again, turtle-less and sunkissed.
We walked past the famous pond with all the model boats on it, literally wonderful (if you're wondering which film you've almost certainly seen the model boat pond from its the classic Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan flick 'You've Got Mail) And past the zoo (which I intend to visit as soon as possible) and walked slap bang into the parade again. Gar.We were greeted by a giant Fez hat with a smiley face waving at us. We quickly walked on, glancing briefly at a woman with a parrot, An old man on a cardboard ship who looked remarkably like Colin McDowell and a balding-middle-age-crisis-ridden-vertically-challenged dj on a float covered in tinsel who, in his skintight lycra t-shirt appeared to be raving to his own music - yet no-one else was. What a twat.
So in other news, Ralph Lauren had a bake sale. YES, that's right, Ralph Lauren had a CAKE SALE. I managed to bag myself a rose topped cupcake for all of 50cents!
Things that have made me laugh out loud in the past week:
A man carrying a full milkmaid style pail (two buckets on strings with a wooden bar across the shoulders) whilst smoking a cigarette
The American Candy Bar named 'OH HENRY!' (exclamation mark et all)
An incredible graffiti poster depicting the queen getting out of her car and the wind blowing up her skirt to reveal she is going commando
A small boy playing by the hudson river wearing a pinstriped blue suit with a PROPER raccoons tail pinned to it.
Mardi Gras Beads hanging on the wall of 'Two Boots' pizza parlour made of lobsters, crocodiles, chilli peppers, cowboy boots, dollar bills and other such novel items
A fetish Doggy Hood and Leash in a costume store.
A 50 year old man walking down the street with an Elmo rucksack
By far the best experience of my week so far has been this evening. This evening I made my way home from work as I usually do, by taking the F train from Bryant Park to Delancey Street, walking down Clinton, past the shop that sells 'underware' and 'gumboots', past the cake shop that sells cake clearly made out of everything other than cake, past the greasy spoon with a $4.50 lunchtime special, past the discount store selling 'snuggies' 'THE BLANKET WITH SLEEVES!', passing practically every type of person/shop/thing in New York City (The Butcher, The Baker, The Lychee Martini Maker) Until I reached my door, and knowing Lo was home i opened the door to be greeted by the sight of two ENORMOUS NYPD cops, fully kitted out -- Guns et all - chilling around the kitchen table.
And oh God... my bright pink bra, was right there... on the chair... next to the cop. brilliant, yet mortifying.
So it turns out, someone pinched Lauren's laptop whilst she was in the Laundromat (I KNEW having to do laundry like this would end in disaster!) so the police were making a report.
Best moment ever. I was literally so shocked. Not only by sheer embarrassment from the bra being there, but by the fact that I was standing in a room with the actual NYPD. My souvenir t-shirt will no longer have the same meaning, I can now say, I have hung out with REAL cops and THATS why I have the t-shirt (I shall say they gave it to me in future... not that I bought it from some dodgy looking tourist shop round the corner from work).
When I grow Up I want to be in CSI New York... Or alternatively I could just be Batman.
