Back in the US Back in the US Back in the US - S - A

Honey I'm Home!

Stepping off the plane onto the crisp snow capped tarmac of JFK airport I was hit by not only an overwhelming sense of happiness and relief that I had arrived back on american soil in one piece - but by the coldest and possibly most intense gush of wind I have ever experienced. I had arrived amidst a blizzard in Queens, not dissimilar to the conditions under which I arrived back in september, only this time the sky was not green and there were no uprooted trees or floods... just bloody freezing winds and snowflakes in my eyes that momentarily blinded me. AH! I thought - It's good to be back!

So I entered the terminal building in a haze of exhaustion and time-zone crossover disorientation and made my way to baggage reclaim, where, I am not ashamed to admit I sat - in the middle of the floor, waiting for my baggage like a typical british holiday maker on the way back from Benidorm. My flight from dublin to JFK had been cancelled when I arrived there from Manchester, so I had just endured 7 hours of sleeping on the sofa in starbucks, I was a wreck! Luggage in hand, I dragged myself to the cab-line (translation: taxi queue) and jumped straight in a cab which drove excited little me to my new digs - Stuy Town!

Stuy Town!

No I do not live in a community of people with chronic conjuntivitis - Stuyvesant town is a private post world war II housing community on 14th and Avenue A. It is very much like a London council estate in terms of its design... but its actually safe. It has its own 'peace corp' who carry batons and handcuffs... I like that there are 'emergency' button stations throughout stuy town which you can press and talk to an officer... Im not entirely sure how useful this would be in a mugging situation or some sort of attack or chase "excuse me, sorry can you just pause for a minute...I need to press the emergency alarm"

Sunny Stuy Town

Stuy town is great though, and I was so relieved to be 'home' after a hideously long journey.

Snowy Stuy Town

So Im back in the big apple, all settled in post jetlag. I have many things to discuss since arriving back.
On friday evening my friend Alexis and I went back to mine together after work in preparation for an evening in the lower east side. We tooka stroll from union square down 14th street in a bid to find some yummy food and found this incredible dumpling cafe. I sat down whilst she ordered, and as I was sitting at a large, empty table a french girl came and asked to sit down next to me, her friend soon joined. She then proceeded to yell at her boyfriend in the most horrendous yet hilarious manner, apparently he had called her 'a dog' and she was yelling about how he was a 'sad little man' and how they were going to have a proper argument when they got home. I sat there, playing 'wordmole' on my blackberry trying so hard not to say something when alexis sat down and we both sat in silence listening to the hilarity of this argument which ended up in her saying in the best sarcastic voice ive hard in a while 'oh im so sorry ive ruined your appetite asshole' - I think you had to be there, but american insults  coming from a heavily pregnant french twenty something are hilarious.

The sesame and scallion (translation: spring onions) pancake was delicious however!

So since returning, I have become ever more aware of the hilarious nature of some of american culture... a few examples being the use of advertising... Dr Zizmor, a small balding man pictured in his white coat with an assortment of different coloured pens in his top pocket and a casual stethoscope around his neck has a poster on the subway advertising the brilliance his 'amazing' chemical peels.

What a beast of a man

 There are plastic surgeons advertising how to achieve 'the new you' through their liposuction treatments... and ALSO during your train-ride you are even able to write down the 0800 number to call if you need help getting... inspired. THINK OF THE CHILDREN. There are literally ads at 4.50pm on a sunday evening for women who 'just dont like doing it anymore' - wow. Other than vulgarly publicised remedies for sexual dissatisfaction however, there are more ridiculous solutions to 'problems' we may have as humans... my favourite discovery of all was that of 'restless leg syndrome' which apparently is a treatable and serious medical condition in america... you know, if you're sitting waiting for something or just watching tv and you shake your foot, twitching it,back and forth like a twitch foot lunatic... you can get medication for it.

My favourite word of the week was in an article I read about our dear old Keira Knightely, who recently broke up with her boyfriend Rupert Friend... An american journalist stated 'Knightely and Friend dated for over 5 years, and lived together in London - unfortunately in recent months their apartment was burglarized." - burglarized. LOVE. IT. This word is almost as great as the american declaration for something being of personal interest to them 'up my alley' (ahoy sailor), how they eat scones with bacon and sausage for breakfast (people in south west england in their little tea shops with their Rodda's and their tiptree raspberry jam would be shocked and appalled if they saw such behaviour!)

But today's main blogstory my friends is about American television. I would like to discuss two shows in particular.

Bridalplasty:

What a wonderful ad campaign

Bridalplasty is the ULTIMATE reality show. Not only do the contestants compete for a dream wedding, but throughout the series, if they win a challenge they get to undergo a plastic surgery procedure. These range from the first challenge of the series on completing a jigsaw, the 10 quickest brides to do so get to grab a syringe of botox and run with said syringe to a nearby waiting doctor who injects it into their face. There are also boob jobs up for grabs, nose jobs, lypo and dentistry. Possibly one of the most horrific yet horrifically addictive shows on tv. How on earth this was commissioned I shall never know... the production meeting must have gone something like this 'We cant seriously do this can we... we cant seriously get away with this... aaaaah go on then"

Bridalplasty contestant post nosejob

Another WONDERFUL show is on the learning channel called 'weirdest addictions' on 'the learning channel' (TLC) and this week, in all seriousness, there was an episode involving two wonderful wonderful addictions.

The first was a woman who was addiction to eating sofa cushions... the yellowy/orange foam you get in sofas and armchairs... she had an addiction to eating this. NO JOKE. The psychiatrist she visits in the show turns to her at one point, and asks 'So how does it make you feel, eating cushion'. I nearly fell off my fully intact sofa cushion. The best part was the words that flashed up on the screen 'In her lifetime (lets for the sake of this story call her shauna because ive forgotten) Shauna has consumed 7 couches and 2 armchairs' YES.

Eating Cushion

Another wonderful part of the show was dedicated to a 19 year old college student who had become accustomed to wearing a giant pink and white fox costume... and had to wear it 'to feel confident'. She custom made her costumes her self, and was currently working on a green coyote for her boyfriend. She regularly attends 'furries' conventions, which apparently are for like-minded fur animal costume wearing people across america...

A Furries convention

So there are some tales from my week so far, I am back in the big city that never sleeps, preparing for what people are saying is going to be 'the snow storm of the century' on tuesday... so lets hope I will be able to make one of these:

A jolly snowman

And now I leave you with two little snaps from the last few days. Over and Out.

The View from the 116th Street Target shopping mall

A truly brilliant sign on the subway

And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

New York is full of the best kinds of people. To give you an example of this; this weekend, walking past an italian restaurant I was greeted by a 6 year old boy on a stool in a shirt and tie who announced to passers by 'we are the best italian restaurant in the WHOLE of new york! all organic produce! - come try our food!' he was really rather precious, I wanted to just eat him up. – On Saturday I was walking through Tompkins Square Park in the lower east side with Ruby; the adorable little two and a half year old kid I look after – as we were leaving we happened to pass this crazy looking old woman with bushy white hair, bottle top glasses and a red woolen hat – who started to fidget and I automatically assumed she was going to yell some incoherent nonsense about jesus or her cats or aliens – but instead, to my surprise she shouted out 'have a wonderful day lady, and the little angel too' – I was rather taken a back, it was really rather lovely of her – just goes to show, looks can be deceptive – however I am certain she does still have 15 cats and talks to plants, but that doesnt mean she’s not a nice person – she clearly is.

On friday, I popped out of the studio to grab some lunch from pret (begrudgingly...I had forgotten my standard ‘wallaby peach yoghurt’ from wholefoods and my banana) and just as I turned round, edamame and fruit salad in hand - this little kid of about 6 years old who was plugged into his i-pod started to dance - he was body popping and hip hop dancing like a pro in the middle of the hungry lunchtime crowd and the whole store stopped and formed this huge circle around him, it was like being in the middle of ‘step-up’ - when he finished the entire place broke into fits of applause, whistling and cheering – I imagine if this happened in the UK, the kids father or mother would embarassingly tell the child to stop for fear of drawing attention, scald them, spank them on the bottom, or abandon them – we are so conservative in the uk infact i feel that british people on seeing this happen would sheepishly watch, then perhaps nervously chuckle or titter in appreciation and go about their daily lives and forget about it – people here are so encouraging and excited by talent and enthusiasm – everything here feels shiny – happy and way more energetic... us brits, we’re way more underground, modest and guarded.

I have a story to share with you which I have had permission from my colleague at work to publish. To continue my movie esque lifestyle, a few weeks ago the designers and the managing director of ODLR were leaving to go to Italy to start production on some of the collection - on the day the managing director left - it turned out that a bag of fabric samples had been left behind by accident - so i was promptly thrown into a cab to battery park (all the way across manhattan) to her apartment – As soon as I arrived I jumped out of the cab and legged it into her building, incoherently stuttering to explain to the doorman who I was here to see in typical hugh grant stuttery fashion - and it turns out that she had already left for the airport for fear of missing her plane. I had no money left, and no subway ticket... so the office, in a manner of james bond, called me a private car and sent me speeding down the motorway towards JFK airport in pursuit of the managing directors car which was 10 minutes ahead of us - It was manic! The traffic was really heavy and my phone signal was being sketchy - i felt like i was literally in the devil wears prada - as we approached the airport - I hadnt been told which terminal so to add insult to injury my cab driver was shouting at me and I was trying to hear where my colleague was  i needed to go – but eventually I ended up getting to the terminal in a manner of some cheesy 80s character in some equally vile 80s rom com racing to get to someone before their plane leaves... and frantically kept trying to call her but couldnt get through - when i did i literally sprinted through the airport, through herds of people, and found her - just intime for her to be taken to the flight and she thankfully made it to italy with the package. It was epic. My heart was beating at a million miles a second because I really didnt think I was going to make it in time. But by jove... I made it! HURRAH!

 Unfortunately I have been a little under the weather lately (the crazy american additives are driving me crazy) so in a bid to try and work out what was wrong i decided to go 'gluten free' this week... I can honestly say - i would rather kill myself slowly and be able to eat pizza or a bagel than have to eat cereal that tastes like post-it-notes for the rest of my life...

One thing I LOVE about New York - is the the takeaway pizza... In the United Kingdom it is a well known fact that if you go to a 'fast food' takeaway 'joint' and ask for pizza you will be presented with a round spongy piece of cardboard disguised by a cheap tomato sauce and melted tesco value mild cheddar (seriously - mild?! - why bother). Where as here - you can get PROPER italian stone baked pizza with thin delicious hand made dough and delicious mozzarella cheese - FOR $0.99 - its true - proper pizza is my new favourite thing, and the great thing is - pizza places are on every street corner - they even have pizza vans sometimes in the street selling PROPER pizza.

I would like to talk to you about leaves. Specifically ‘the fall’ which is the american way of saying ‘autumn’ – a much better label I would say – especially in New York because there are lots of trees, and these trees are unlike any other kind of tree – they display the most glorious and vivid shades of copper and scarlet leaves I have ever seen – ochre and russet, mustard and ruby – but also maroons and chocolates and deepest racing greens from the leaves that are yet to fall... and its it literal this season – as I walked through the park this weekend I stood under this gigantic tree and literally watched as the leaves delicately spiralled through the sky from above and settled gracefully on the ground around me – in a manner of winona ryder in edward scissor hands when he creates a snow storm making his ice sculpture. Obvious my experience was a lot less ethereal – infact it wasnt really anything like this scene in what i believe to be tim burtons greatest achievement of all time... but it was certainly magical... for some reason, i know we have trees in england, but they’re different here.

Lauren and I went for Lychee martinis again this week – I love them, I actually am obsessed with them, and I am going to insist on making them for everyone I meet on my return – Lychee is the fruit of the gods – especially when it is soaked in vodka. 

 

So after we hit ‘verlaine’ our most favorite bar with its oh so fabulous happy hour, we ventured home – it was a chilly evening, and decided to stop at a little corner shop for some goodies. On entering the store, we found it housed an array, a plethora of the most hilarious goods imaginable. I would like to take this opportunity to showcase some of the hilarity of this shop:

Is it just me or does she bear a resemblance to Courtney Love?

One word: Painful

How very christian

Terrifying

This weekend was a mission and a half – after an incredibly long and tiring week at work = productive and wonderful yet long and tiring ofcourse – I ventured out into the lower east side with Frannie and Lo for some drinks – we didnt infact leave our apartment until midnight... and I had to babysit at 6.30am on Saturday, so after a few drinks – including a vodka iced tea which was INSANELY delicious... i plodded on home and crawled into bed. MY ALARM DID NOT GO OFF... not only did I wake up feeling like I had been trampled on by an elephant, but I woke up because my phone was ringing – I was being called by the lady I was meant to be babysitting for as it was 10 minutes AFTER I was meant to have arrived and I was still in bed. I was mortified – this has never happened to me before... (except for once in the whole 4 years I have lived away from home when my alarm didnt go off and I literally jumped out of bed, threw my clothes on and jumped on a red bus in london and ventured to oxford street to see some brides) – so this time – I literally jumped out of bed (this was very reminiscent of tom and or jerry or sylvester/tweetie pie, anyone cartoon related who jumps in a crazed manner) – I scrambled into a pair of leggings and threw all my clothes in the air until i found a plaid shirt and socks and launched myself into my ugg boots and literally sprinted down stairs to my neighbours apartment. It was at this point my stomach flew up into my mouth (apologies for the vulgar nature of this story) and I was greeted by a fully awake ruby... I sat and watched sesame street for an hour and thought I was dying. It was horrific... but after a lovely sunny walk through the park sitting and watching the doggies I felt much better...Oh the joys of being a manhattan babysitter (with a social life on the side)

This week I endeavour to

1)      See harry potter 7 part 1

2)      Go to the brooklyn flea market

3)      Go to the MOMA

4)      Visit Diego at Trader Joe’s (he is my favourite employee at my local supermarket, because he sounds like pedro from napoleon dynamite and wears multi-coloured 80s jumpers)

5)      Buy a new lamp for the apartment... as today... we accidentally broke one (to be honest weve knocked it over so many times im surprised it wasnt already broken) :s

6)      Go running/to yoga... but the likelyhood of either myself or lauren getting out of bed for anything other than... because we have to go to work – is unlikely...

7)      Make myself a coat

8)      Think about christmas presents

It is only a month until I return home now – and my goodness am I excited... Im literally like a kid at christmas im so excited... Crackers, mince pies, christmas pudding, the santa claus, mulled wine, quality street, wallis and grommit, pyjamas for a week.... I cannot wait.

And today I saw the coca cola advert... this means it really is the festive season.

Over and out for another week

Dinosaurs lived a long time ago they were terrible lizards don't you know Some ate plants and some ate meat some ate fish and some ate beasts - Johnny Cash

“Good evening officer – is it possible to get through?”"Do you live on this block maam?" "yes just there at 175" "ok yes i can take you through" "what happened" "there were some gun shots" "did anyone get hurt?" "yes, three people" "goodness" "ok maam you cant stay out here you have to go inside"

3 people got shot on my street a couple of nights ago - apparently it was some local kids shooting at each other, 2 got hit as well as a woman walking past. If Lauren and I hadnt been at Frannie's apartment watching the Rocky Horror edition of Glee... we could have had a cap popped in our ass...

WOW. the bubble has ever so slightly burst... the 'fall' with its leaves of orange, brown and gold no longer seem so romantic... The yellow crime scene tape... or should I say CSI New York tape... has somewhat tarnished the picture postcard dream I was floating around in... Not to say that New York has been tainted by the shooting so close to home, but I guess it has been a thumping hard reality check for me... that New York, like London, isnt all tally ho pip pips, or should I say 'how you doin's or 'have a nice day's. There is gun crime everywhere... there were shootings in Hackney all the time, which I was totally used to... but I am not, however used to shootings in the land of the free - or the place where they have 90 different types of fruity, brightly coloured cereals or the place which seemed (for 6 weeks) to be so much like sesame street... with everyone of all race, colour, creed, age, height etc getting along just swell...

This is an isolated case of an unfortunate incident... and luckily there have been so many great things going on of late that they almost erase bad things like this from existence... (ALWAYS erase...NEVER rubber... a rubber is something far more contraceptive... as I found out just the other day!)

Two weekends ago (gosh I haven’t blogged for ages!) I ventured to the Natural History Museum following an incredible brunch with my favourite ex-trainee-art-teacher from senior school Amanda Barragry and two of her 3 wonderful kids - Fergus and Gabriel. She very generously treated me to the most wonderful eggs benedict and orange juice as I am a poor starving student.

I decided afterwards that I should walk from the upper east side through central park to the museum. It was idyllic, in a manner of Shakespeare's A Midsomer Nights Dream... there were jazz players hiding amongt the trees and fallen leaves busking for quarters, an amateur baseball team enjoying the thrill of competition in the summery air. Mothers and fathers with their children on picnic rugs eating grapes and strawberries from click-top tupperwear. Fathers practicing catch with their sons using the token brown leather baseball glove and white topstitched ball - owned by all fathers in america. It was lush. 

So I got to the Natural history museum as excited as a kid at christmas – For those of you reading this who are unaware of my obsession with dinosaurs – I have an obsession with dinosaurs... I have done as long as I can remember, I blame the early learning centre. So I walked up the steps of the gigantic stone building in front of me (which I have to admit is not half as pretty as the natural history on museum street) and walked through the huge doors to be greeted by a GIANT barosaurus – apparently the worlds largest freestanding mount of a dinosaur. It was incredible, I literally had heart palpitations from the sheer excitement... I quickly dashed towards the dinosaur rooms after gawping like an idiot at the dino sculpture and felt giddy as soon as I walked through the first set of doors...Before me stood rooms of saurichian dinosaurs, ornithichian dinosaurs rooms filled giant pterodactyls handing from the ceilings, stegosauruses, tyrannosauruses, triceratops – I was in heaven. Too bad there was a random couple making out in the middle of one of the rooms so graphically that there where people avoiding the vast selection of dunkleostei (an early type of armoured fish). 

So in other news here are some of the most recent hilarities to date (i feel this is turning into a ‘funny things i see in america' section – so apologies americans if this offends, but you should feel priveledged that your antics amuse me so very much that I publish them on the interweb)

• At Banco Popular (the spanish bank) if you open a checking account (this is a regular account to all you brits) you get A FREE THERMOS FLASK. Oh em gee – I might just have to open my bank account with Banco Thermosflask.
• On asking for a ‘double gin and tonic’ I was presented on Friday night with a PINT of gin and tonic... $18 worth of bombay sapphire OH YES. Apparently normal drinks are always double measures J
• PEANUTBUTTER M&M’S. I will bringing a suitcase of these home with me, forget clothing – everyone is getting peanutbutter m&ms for christmas this year – they are heavenly!
• A man got off the subway today with a black line tattooed across his face from ear to ear... simply gorgeous!

Considering I havent blogged for a while I am going to give you a photo album of recent ongoings... some things amusing, some beautiful landscapes etc etc (please see below!)

Ta Ra x

A man walking down the street with an authentic pail...

Possibly the greatest name for a candy bar ever

A bit vulgar yes.... but such a good piece of street art

The notorious rabies sign

The you've got mail pond with the little white boats

A man in a fez... in a boat... need I say more...

Some of the GREATEST tin foil creations EVER

Yes thats right - we went into a gallery/vintage store and there was a cupcake installation of 12,000 cupcakes...

Incredible halloween costumes

A pirate...

My post Halloween hangover cure... french toast IS my new best friend

Men putting up christmas lights in the trees around Times Square

The greatest sign at the social security office

Convict Lauren and the huge NYPD cops...post theft in the laundromat

Ben folds and Nick Hornby

A Midsummer Nights Dream kind of Central Park

The great hall of the american museum of natural history. Incred

A PURPLE POTATO

A demonstration outside my office building, there was a full scottish band - bagpipes, drums, kilts everything.

No standing 7am-7pm

Sorry this is the wrong way round - the view outside my office

Excuse me Mr! There's a Turtle in my boat!

There once was a turtle called 'Oat',
Who when tired of taking a float,
Would soar  through the air,
With ever such flare,
And end up 'kerplunk!' In a Boat!

"Happens all the time!" grinned the man with his knitted yet rubbery Turtle-proof gloves. "Last week I found one in another boat, and it took me HALF an HOUR to catch it! It kept hiding from me".

How on EARTH does a Turtle get inside a rowing boat?

Monday: Columbus day - and one of the sunniest and loveliest days of my whole trip. Michael and I (one of my first 'new friends' - yes, thats right kids, I am a loner here and get over excited by the notion that I have 'a friend' - I am 6 years old) brunched on some luscious syrup drenched french toast and then scampered off to Central Park.

Unbeknownst to us, there was the Italian Day Parade circling the perameter of the entire park... So we had to try and negotiate our way through torrents of ridiculous looking high school band geeks dressed in sequins who sported plumes of feathers from their shiny shiny helmets more extensive than those coming out of a Tranny's dressing up box. GHASTLY.

What was more ghastly was the RABIES ADVISORY poster which we saw on entering the park (finally) which read:

Leave Wildlife Alone.

This poster sweetly depicted a hand drawn illustration of a Raccoon which looked poised yet potentially ready to pounce and bite at any time.

So we got in our boat and set off... The sun was shining blissfully, the sky was blue with barely a cloud and the water of the lake was so toxic looking it could have been mistaken for the vomit depicted in the exorcist (you know what im talking about).

It was glorious, The huge trees and incompetent rowers reminded me of Cambridge in the summer, minus the token japanese business man up to his collar in river or the howling laughter of passers by, but there is definitely something comforting and familiar about the greenery in Central Park, maybe it's because I spent most of my childhood climbing trees and making mudpies in fields, but whenever I see foliage in an urban environment I suddenly feel at home.

We pootled about on the water for around an hour, regailing tales of, well, generally everything about each other (as new friends do), and eventually reached dry land again, turtle-less and sunkissed.

We walked past the famous pond with all the model boats on it, literally wonderful (if you're wondering which film you've almost certainly seen the model boat pond from its the classic Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan flick 'You've Got Mail) And past the zoo (which I intend to visit as soon as possible) and walked slap bang into the parade again. Gar.We were greeted by a giant Fez hat with a smiley face waving at us. We quickly walked on, glancing briefly at a woman with a parrot, An old man on a cardboard ship who looked remarkably like Colin McDowell and a balding-middle-age-crisis-ridden-vertically-challenged dj on a float covered in tinsel who, in his skintight lycra t-shirt appeared to be raving to his own music - yet no-one else was. What a twat.

So in other news, Ralph Lauren had a bake sale. YES, that's right, Ralph Lauren had a CAKE SALE. I managed to bag myself a rose topped cupcake for all of 50cents!

Things that have made me laugh out loud in the past week:

A man carrying a full milkmaid style pail (two buckets on strings with a wooden bar across the shoulders) whilst smoking a cigarette

The American Candy Bar named 'OH HENRY!' (exclamation mark et all)

An incredible graffiti poster depicting the queen getting out of her car and the wind blowing up her skirt to reveal she is going commando

A small boy playing by the hudson river wearing a pinstriped blue suit with a PROPER raccoons tail pinned to it.

Mardi Gras Beads hanging on the wall of 'Two Boots' pizza parlour made of lobsters, crocodiles, chilli peppers, cowboy boots, dollar bills and other such novel items

A fetish Doggy Hood and Leash in a costume store.

A 50 year old man walking down the street with an Elmo rucksack

By far the best experience of my week so far has been this evening. This evening I made my way home from work as I usually do, by taking the F train from Bryant Park to Delancey Street, walking down Clinton, past the shop that sells 'underware' and 'gumboots', past the cake shop that sells cake clearly made out of everything other than cake, past the greasy spoon with a $4.50 lunchtime special, past the discount store selling 'snuggies' 'THE BLANKET WITH SLEEVES!', passing practically every type of person/shop/thing in New York City (The Butcher, The Baker, The Lychee Martini Maker) Until I reached my door, and knowing Lo was home i opened the door to be greeted by the sight of two ENORMOUS NYPD cops, fully kitted out -- Guns et all - chilling around the kitchen table.

And oh God... my bright pink bra, was right there... on the chair... next to the cop. brilliant, yet mortifying.

So it turns out, someone pinched Lauren's laptop whilst she was in the Laundromat (I KNEW having to do laundry like this would end in disaster!) so the police were making a report.

Best moment ever. I was literally so shocked. Not only by sheer embarrassment from the bra being there, but by the fact that I was standing in a room with the actual NYPD. My souvenir t-shirt will no longer have the same meaning, I can now say, I have hung out with REAL cops and THATS why I have the t-shirt (I shall say they gave it to me in future... not that I bought it from some dodgy looking tourist shop round the corner from work).

When I grow Up I want to be in CSI New York... Or alternatively I could just be Batman.

On my 17th Day of Interning some tasks ive done to date: 10 Types of Bias, 9 Metres of Shearing, 8 Tweed embroideries, 7 tricky stiches, 6 Lattes from Starbucks 5 WOOLEN COAAAAAATS, 4 silky blouses, 3 Couture samples, 2 beaded squares and a Partridge in a Pear Tree (minus the partridge or the pear tree)

Coffee. How do people get WORSE at making it? When I arrived in NY I discovered a place called 'Gregory's Coffee' opposite my building on 7th avenue... for the first 3 days at work I had the worlds most incredible coffee... not only did they make the effort to create shapes in your foam with the hot milk... but it was the perfect temperature to down straight away in time to start my first task as soon as I reached the office. Disappointingly - it deteriorated from then on in. The coffee now burns my tongue on a regular basis to the point that this morning I had to request 'Not Too Hot' to be written on the side of my paper cup on its way to the barista... which in hindsight I realise may have looked slightly odd to those ralph lauren employees who joined me in the elevator this morning. My coffee was BEYOND hot... it was scalding... which I didnt even realise until in the lift. I grimaced and yelped as I burnt my tongue right infront of the Ralph Lauren employees holding my paper cup which claimed it was definitely 'not too hot'. Mortifying. One burning grimace later and I got to work in a manner of oscar the grouch just less green and less hairy... but my tongue, unlike the statement, was definitely incredibly hot.

Tomorrow I shall ask for a thermometer to be placed within the coffee before I drink it to make sure it is not at the level of burning, scalding or even the mildest irritation.

Laundry. I have been officially initiated into the world of Laundromats and public clothes washing. It didnt even cross my mind before I left that most people in New York DO NOT washing machines. Something I will forever take for granted after my 8 months of having to fold my smalls infront of the world and his wife. So on Sunday I went and did my first wash. Right across the street there is a Laundry called 'Zip' or something equally as nauseating. I went in with my blue and yellow ikea bags having separated my goods into white, colour and dark... and approached the counter. A wonderful smiley eastern european lady with cumbersome bosoms and a cropped platinum haircut popped up from nowhere in her apron and greeted me. She showed me how to buy a card and top it up (how very modern i thought to myself) i then loaded my machines and swiped my card clutching my giant box of detergent.. and much to her dismay when she opened my box i sadly did not have the standard plastic measure to dose out the powder into the machine, I had substituted this for a spoon. A spoon. Boy did she giggle as the tiny grains of 'spring fresh' detergent scattered across the top of each of the three machines ever time she or I filled them. Note to self: find a measure of some sort for next time.

An hour later and after a quick dash to the nearest deli where i ended up forking out $25 for bread, milk, cheese and cereal (never again) My washing was done. Now for the hard part... folding it infront of a room holding an eclectic mix of the east villages best inhabitants... There was a man with a vast beer belly and a home-dyed blonde bob who kept swearing and muttering to himself dragging a huge trolley style cage, there was a sweet looking mexican couple who were chillaxing on the seats in the waiting area (obviously a regular trip for them on a sunday) as well as the eastern european lady who runs the gaff and her assistant who wore rhinestone encrusted jeans and hoop earrings. I cannot wait to do laundry next weekend. I may even stick with the spoon to make it just that little bit more of a challenge.

Halloween... Or Hallows Eve... The Americans LOVE it. And luckily so do I. I was walking down 14th street on saturday when to my great JOY we discovered a halloween store. This place is only temporary but it is enormous and filled with some of the most disturbing yet incredible props and costumes I have ever seen.

Some horrible rubber zombie babies on display 

Rubber Rats, Skull wine glasses, battery operated corpses who appear to be crawling out from the ground ($59.99 a bargain)... I was in Halloween Heaven (or hell i guess would be more appropriate) But for me, the highlight was the costumes. Why anyone would dress their child up as a tootsie roll is beyond me...

it is hilarious, as is the hulk...

This year I plan to be a dinosaur.

Pterodactyls are the way forward.

"I'm a very restless person. I'm always doing something. The creative process never stops." - Oscar de la Renta

I feel like I have been neglecting you - I have not been 'blogging' as much as I would have hoped in this last week... however I have been so unbelievably preoccupied with life, I feel this justifies my lack of senseless ramblings for at least a few of those days.

So to update on said 'life'...

I am settling in nicely into my humble abode - However there are a few little things bothering me about the apartment.

Firstly - at approximately 5am every morning without fail there in a man in a large souped up american style 'garbage truck' (thats bin man for all you brits reading this) who likes to make as much noise as is humanly possible in his truck by revving his engine to an extreme degree and clattering about like a bull in a china shop with his array of bins and refuse he must clear from the 'sidewalk' - thus waking me up stupidly early every single morning.

The worst part of this daily morning disturbance is that my roomate Lauren can sleep through it...

Lo! and behold... each and every morning I am cruelly awoken by this child catcher like man (I imagine) I sit up and look around... confused and wondering where I am - and there she lies - The angelic snoozing virginian angel - peaceful in dream. YET I have to endure the epic whirring sound of a man in a very large van with a very large exhaust but a very small amount of concern for the sleeping east villagers. I can almost picture him as one of the giants in Roald Dahl's childrens' classic 'The BFG' with a large trumpet which steals my dreams and wakes me up. Infact I wouldnt be surprised at all if it was a snozzcumber eating oaf walking along the street in his humungous boots peering into my lower east side apartment with his big hairy nostrils stealing my precious few hours of sleep...

So on thursday Lauren kindly booked tickets for us and some friends to go to the baseball... my first proper sporting event experience in America... it was the Yankees versus the Tampa Rays... at the new Yankee Stadium in the Bronx, and it was incredible (well for the first 3 innings at least) - The yankees were losing so badly by the 4th inning that most of the stadium decided to leave before the game was even half way through. HOWEVER. A piece of advice for anyone who may decide to go to a Yankees game ... I highly recommend you invest $6 in an ice cream in a helmet. This is the equivalent of Mr Whippy 99 icecream in either chocolate or strawberry or both - served in a small plastic Yankees helmet... yes thats right - its dessert in a hat. Priceless. Such a shame i didnt take a picture but you can imagine... small hat, icecream, hilarious.

Baseball is very much rounders... however the men wear silly trousers and the bats are really long and someone spends hours and hours mowing a perfect diagonal grid design into the grass...

Here is a snapshot of us at the yankees game... as you can tell its a screen shot from the yankees website... i refuse to pay $25 to have a copy so this will have to suffice!

On saturday I assisted at the ODLR lookbook shoot for the recent collection - it was at Zoom studios on Vandam near soho... An incredible studio - and an insane day of around 140 looks in 7 hours... you can only imagine how much my feet hurt afterwards!

Possibly the greatest sticker ever!

And here - finally are 2 little pics of my apartment... it is adorable... 

So what else to tell...

On tuesday evening I went to the opening night of Noel Coward's 'Brief Encounter' at studio 54 - it was possibly one of the most incredible performances I have seen in a long time... I will definitely be going back for seconds.

After the play - we went to the opening night afterparty at planet hollywood. which was hilarious. 

I have never graced planet hollywood with my presence before... Nor do I intend to ever again - not because i didnt have a wonderful time - I really did! But anywhere that places 'the jonas brothers' handprints and memorabilia at the front of their staircase instead of Marlon Brando, Frank Sinatra, WILL SMITH etc etc... should not be revisited.

So we arrived at this restaurant surrounded by rubber prosthetics in glass cases and various framed pieces of costumer to be greeting by loitering catering staff who had clearly been shipped in from around new york state. They each had badges with their names on. We took a particular shine to a girl named natalie who was from somewhere which i think was called Ithica... I may be wrong but she was priceless... her shirt was untucked and her hair badly brushed and bless her cotton socks, on being asked whether a friend of mine could have a pint of the free flavoured vodka - she looked like she wanted to run back to Ithica at full speed in her blue nylon waistcoat without even the time to say 'Robert Pattinson has 4 fingers from the looks of his plaster cast imprint of his hands we have screwed to the wall by some cheap wall brackets'. However she did bring me a wonderful apple martini - twice infact... but I was tempted to complain to her when we reached the buffet...

The buffet was all you could eat. HOWEVER. the food was intended to be eaten out of small boats made from banana skins which had been coated in some sort of horrific smelling preservative/varnish... and sadly... my Mahi Mahi salmon tasted like Turpentine.

Ho hum - it was a wonderful evening, one i shall never forget...

I seem to be having many of these styles of evening - and moment which I feel will remain with me forever... but im starting to realise that actually I am getting rather old. 5 days a week working full time is enough for me - so i have decided to turn my hand - in order to make some dollar - to looking after wayward american children whilst their parents wine and dine each other... Watch this space for tales of unruly brats and naughty nine year olds... 

Those kids had better watch out though...

Nanny McPhee has arrived